


As I Was

by DJ_Punch_Detective



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Empurata, Freeform, Gen, Senator Shockwave - Freeform, intrusive thoughs, mentions of empurata, shadowplay, the Senator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 15:34:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10856901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DJ_Punch_Detective/pseuds/DJ_Punch_Detective
Summary: A little drabble I wrote from Shockwave's perspective regarding the events of the Shadowplay arc in mtmte





	As I Was

I always knew that it would eventually come to something like this.  All I ever wanted was the betterment of my home, but I wanted that betterment to be for everyone… and the other senators didn't like that.  They didn't like how I found those who were different, those who diverged from what they were supposed to be.

I suppose I may have been seeing myself in them.  True, I fit my function well enough, even with being alt mode exempt, but… there was still something that made me feel separate.  Nobody ever drew attention to it, but I was well enough aware of it.   


Looking back, I don't think they knew.  Proteus certainly didn't.  How could he?  There were always thoughts running through my processor, who would ever be able to guess that some of them felt alien to my own mind?

Flashes of inspiration and ideas, so often helpful.  Solutions to the energy crisis rising to the front of my mind so I could jot them down and bring them up at meetings.  Dark, cold ideas that I had learned to ignore.  I never did figure out where or why they happened, just that I would be working alone at night and suddenly my own processor would turn against me - telling me I was going to fail.  That everything I was doing was in vain.

They came at other times, too.  I would be walking along the streets of Iacon, talking with close friends, greeting colleagues, and smiling at strangers when the urge would rise out of nowhere.   _ Take them.  Make them something new _ .  I never gave in.  Not without permission.  There were a few who agreed when I brought it up… one of my closest friends among them.

I confided in him once, too.  He listened attentively as I discussed the intrusions to my processor, indignant when I laughed at his suggestion that it was coming from outside myself.  I knew my processor well, I had explained to him.  It was all me.

When you hear stories of those with impulses and intrusive thoughts, there's always this fear of losing control that comes with it.  I never felt that fear.  Not until much later… and even then its source wasn't internal. 

I suppose I always knew it was going to happen eventually.  I was outspoken, defiant, unpredictable, difficult to control, and determined to do what I felt was best for all.  If I hadn't been a senator, it would've happened much sooner.  When they came for me, I was calm.  I had no reason to fight back or run, since I knew they could find me wherever I went.  There was one act of defiance I had left, or so I thought at the time, so I turned to him and smiled.  I had two things to say to him, but there was only enough time for one:  _ “Remember me as I was.” _

 

\---------

 

Things were different once it was done.  I didn't feel the same.

Correction: I did not feel.

It really was a mistake on their part.  They assumed taking away the part of me that was making me challenge them would make me easier to control.  They thought they could turn me into a tool without destroying the part of me they wanted.

They were wrong.

It seems the part of me they took was the part of me that they wanted after all.  They left me with nothing but logic and reason, severing away emotion and morality like it was a disease.

If only they knew that was why I toed the line and held my tongue.  I don't have one of those anymore, anyway.

I had always been able to see the rising tide, the changes that were about to begin in my -  _ our _ \- world.  At first I had assumed the change could be made gradually, that agreements could be made between both sides.  I had been prepared to step down, but I see now nobody else was.  When they took away my face and slid needles into my neck, it clarified things in a way that I never would have thought possible.

The change needed would have to be swift and violent.  The time for compromise was over once I had to tell him to remember me  _ as I was _ as opposed to  _ as I am _ .

Do I miss being the Senator?

 

No.  I do not.  My world was clouded by emotion and trying to do the right thing.  The thoughts I had once called intrusions now present ideas that under normal circumstances I would not consider.  I do not regret going peacefully… had I not, more may have been done and I may have lost more than emotion.

 

Nor do I regret telling him to remember me.  The Senator deserves at least one mourner.

But that is not who I am now.

 

Now I have no title.  I am simply  _ Shockwave _ , and you have been deceived.


End file.
